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Where I’ve Been

working mom

It’s been a while since I’ve posted here. I’m sure no one has been dying to know where I’ve been, but maybe those visiting this spot for the first time have found it a bit of a ghost town. And it’s hard to describe in words exactly where I’ve been which is why I’ve been a bit silent.

The easy answer is I’ve been hanging out lots with my friend Krista Gilbert over on The Open Door Sisterhood Podcast where we’ve talked with old friends like Elisa Morgan and Jess Wolstenholm and made new friends like Mo Isom and Kendra Broekhuis. I’ve been on Instagram in my virtual/social life where you’ll see in my actual life I’ve also been on the soccer sidelines a bunch. Because it’s been spring and that’s what we do in spring (in fact I’m typing this out right now in my car parked next to an AstroTurf field while my girls run around.)

Speaking of podcasts I’ve visited a few others, like Kendra Tillman’s StrongHer Podcast and Merritt Onsa’s The Devoted Dreamers Podcast. And just today you can catch me talking with Jim Daly and John Fuller on Focus on the Family’s Daily Broadcast. Yep lots of words. And the best part? I rarely need to leave my house, or even get dressed, to record these conversations. It works well with the driving to three schools kind of schedule. And the pajama schedule.

I’ve been writing, working on the plan for the next book, finishing up details for Loving My Actual Christmas which releases in fall for the holiday season, and continuing to write on Loving My Actual Life whenever possible because I’m constantly working on enjoying every part of this God-gifted life. My writing has been over on the MOPS’ blog and The Open Door Sisterhood blog, the Really blog and Focus on the Family site and magazine.

But the real challenge has been the contentment in the middle. Of my actual struggles that is. My step-father passed away in October and I think that has been my biggest barrier to sitting down in this space and choosing any topic. Because the topic on the tip of my heart has felt impossible to put into words.

Often my writing involves assignment; we need a post on this, an article about that. But here in this space, my little corner of the Internet, is an invitation for me to write about what is closest to my current heartbeat. And, well, that has felt too tender. There are some things that must be held close. That are not for public consumption. At least not right away, typed out quickly. And every time I’ve tried to write anything here, it just hasn’t felt right. That’s not very eloquent, I know. But articulating has not come easy here. This is a journey that cannot be summarized in 350 words or less. And well you see where I’ve been getting stuck.

In other words I’ve been struggling with how to get my head and heart smoothed out and as a result have felt stumped in this space. Because I only want to write what is true. Though I wasn’t ready to be public yet, I also wasn’t ready to go there. (I write some about my grief during the holidays in the new Christmas book, but that felt like there was safe distance between when I wrote and when it would be read.) I didn’t make any announcement on social media. I figured if you weren’t part of my actual life, it was too close still to tell. And yet, when then do I bring it up? Well, now it seems.

If I’ve learned anything the last year it’s that pushing through the hard is worth it on the other side. I’ve also learned it’s something I tend to avoid. So I’ve done a pretty good job of avoiding this blog space. But it’s time to push through. Now that I can say this has been the elephant in my writing room, we can move on. I will not tackle it here today. Except to say this is where I’ve been.

 

 

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{ 6 comments… add one }
  • Thank you, from a stranger. I came over here because I’m grieving an ambiguous loss (pregnant with a baby with a four in a million syndrome, her case relatively good, but still serious) and feeling stuck, lost, confused about what the next right step is, what a healthy version of this waiting season is supposed to look like. I went over to my Pinterest board of books I want to read to see if there was one that looked like it might speak to me, and then clicked over to reread your guest post about *Loving My Actual Life* over on Emily Freeman’s blog. And while I do need to face my actual right-now life, I’m not sure if hustle is the biggest barrier at the moment or not, so I clicked over to your site to read more, and here I am. (Hello!)

    Thank you for sharing, and whenever you’re ready to write more, I’d love to listen.

    • Alex

      Hi Marcy,
      Thank you for sharing. I am so sorry to hear this is a hard time. Praying for you and your baby as I write this. May you feel God near in every part of your journey.

  • Angela Marshall

    I’m so sorry for your loss, Alexandra. I know in time you’ll be able to process and write about your grief, and when you do, it will be honest and beautiful, just like you!

    • akuykendall

      Thanks Angela. An encouraging comment.

  • Hannah

    After much thought and consideration, I decided to make a comment on your blog soon after hearing your interview on FOF the other day. Broadly speaking, the objectives of FOF are admirable and the guests usually sound so pleasant to the ears. As a quick background, I have worked with young women and teens from difficult backgrounds offering love, support and God’s hope in a public health setting. My question is this: how can a young woman that is perhaps not from a pristine background or an idyllic childhood relate to your message? You spoke of several bullet points on how to appreciate an “ordinary” life—please open your eyes, get outside of the comfort zone and outside of the nice church ladies! Most young women in our world do not have life issues such as practicing intimacy with their spouses—my women are raped, abandoned, detested, have zero guidance, and see have no self-worth. When will nice FOF church ladies dare to step outside, challenge themselves, raise REAL people for God in their children and be hungry to serve our fellow citizens with their pain. Traveling to the outermost parts of the world on mission trips are redundant when people a few blocks away from our homes are suffering. I challenge us to be constantly serving God in the most uncomfortable of situations. Please read anything by Rob Bell with an open mind or attend a JustFaith session.

    • Alex

      Hi Hannah,
      I certainly agree with you that our neighbors are hurting and we as the Church are God’s design to love them in the here and now. From the interview you caught a glimpse of a book I wrote. I’m sure you’ll understand that a single interview does not capture me or the things I hold dear in their entirety. I also have struggled in the past, but have now come to terms with, the notion that not every book is meant for every person. There are some exceptions to that rule, but for the most part, certain books resonate with a segment of the population. In this book (Loving My Actual Life) I chose to write to women who are in similar circumstances to me, in a similar stage of life. At the beginning of the book I acknowledge how silly it must sound to fret over the minutia of my days when others are struggling and hurting in real ways around the world. And yet, I know I’m missing out on God’s goodness when I don’t appreciate how very fortunate I am. (The end goal of the book.) We all bring pain to our actual lives, so I also don’t pretend that my readers’ pains are not real. They may hide them well, but many women with that church facade you are hinting at, are hurting deeply. I too challenge us to be uncomfortable and trust God in wherever he leads us.

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