My husband Derek and I are raising four girls. As far as we’re concerned the four most precious souls that walk this planet. As we parent, our intent is for them to grow up knowing their worth and our prayer is they live with the confidence of loved people.
I write today as a mother who believes sex and violence shouldn’t go together. And I want my daughters to know that. In a world where colleges are cautioning female students of date rape risks, this culture of violence and sex is real for our children. But more I write today as a woman who has been inspired and humbled by my husband’s work.
Yes every night when he comes home and fathers our girls with both a gentle hand and firm boundaries, he is countering the messages of 50 Shades of Grey. He is modeling what safe love looks and feels like. But that is not what I am referring to here. I am talking about his vocation. What he does all day and often does into the night. His job.
Derek and the team of people he works with at Providence Network, from staff to board members to donors, house women and children escaping the world of domestic violence. The world of fear and injury. Where love is skewed so dramatically it’s difficult for a woman to remember that it’s not supposed to hurt in that way. Where the threats mask her ability to think clearly or her finances keep her from knowing where to go. Where her self esteem and self worth are damaged to the point of believing she is only as good as someone’s punching bag.
This movie that is coming out…
I can tell you I haven’t read the book and I don’t plan to see the movie. I’ve heard enough to believe it perpetuates this culture of romance and violence intertwined that we are working hard to fight. So much to say here, but I won’t.
Except this: We can do better.
As a people, and certainly as the Church, we can offer healing and safety to women who have believed the lies they’ve been told about love, pain and their value. We can help them rewrite their stories. Rather than getting in arguments about the movie and the book, let’s offer the world an alternate route.
#50DollarsNot50Shades is a movement encouraging people to give the money they’d spend on a night at the movies to their local domestic violence service provider instead. We can use our dollars to make violence entertainment or we can spend our dollars on healing those who have been hurt by it.
I ask you to join me in this grassroots response to this movie. To not only say we can do better, but actually do something for good. If you have a connection to your local shelter or safe house, please give there. If you are looking for a place to give, Providence Network of Denver is staffed by my real-life heroes. I can attest to their compassion, perseverance, and tireless commitment to loving people in Jesus’ name.
Watch this video to hear how Providence Network provides more than a place to live, it is a home for those wanting a new start. If you have a few more minutes you can hear Lori and Spencer’s stories, real people, not Hollywood make believe. And if you are so moved to show the world a different way with your money, a donation can be made here. Or if you want to endorse this campaign please share this post with your network.
Fellow parents please consider your hopes for your child. Boy or girl. Is a culture of violent sex the best we can offer the ones in our care? I’m not asking this in a prudish way, simply an honest one. Is this really the direction we want to collectively move or can we do better? I believe we can.
#50DollarsNot50Shades #WeCanDoBetter
I deeply respect the work both you and Derek do in our world. My husband and I support Providence Network and encourage others to do so as well! You are both making a difference. Every. Day.
Thanks for your constant support in all areas of our lives. And for modeling marriage and ministry.
Amen, friend! So grateful for you and Derek. Our family will be making and serving dinner at Shepherd’s Door on Sunday — a place we visit often to share a meal and agree with the God who values every hurting and healing woman and child. Love you, and thank you for this.
Ashley,
Giving our money is important (it helps places keep the lights on and is simply a necessity in this world for organizations to operate) but our time is precious. When we give that it is a sacred offering. And when we are giving our time to BE with people, well that is a real gift. I know how attentive both you and Mike are, so that you go and BE with God’s people…I know it is a gift to them.
I understand where you are coming from. I have two daughters and an amazing husband whom is amazing with them.
I have read all 3 books. They are not quite what you think that they are. Christian, the main character in the books, comes from an extremely violently abusive early childhood and the “violence” he knows is the only love he knew growing up in that abusive situation until he was adopted. However, it still haunts him. The story is how Anastasia brings him out of that. I absolutely respect what you are saying but as I read your article, it kind of struck me due to what your husband does for a living. I just thought it might be interesting to know.
Hi Kat,
Thanks for your comment. I have relied on the reports of those who have read the books and seen the movie through early release. As a writer I’m certainly curious about books that are as wildly popular with women as this series has been. Can I get a little of that book sales love? However, I have heard enough from those who have reported back that the basic premise is violence and sex and power go hand in hand and I know they aren’t my kind of books. More than that I know they are helping (as are many other things) to perpetuate a culture that distorts sex into a violent act. That goes against my sensibilities.
I wish your insights made me feel better about the storyline, but I find them concerning. It is widely accepted that perpetrators and abusers act out of what they know. Their childhoods gave them a blueprint for life and love and they are playing that out. Same for victims. Many women who live in abusive relationships are following in their mother’s footsteps because that was how “love” was modeled in their homes growing up. That’s why it’s called a “cycle”. So Christian’s past is not a surprise. What concerns me here is that Anastasia is poised to “bring him out of that” (according to your report). Many, many women stay in dangerous relationships because they think they can change the man who is hurting them. This is simply toxic thinking and dangerous for women and their children. Someone’s own childhood abuse can help explain why they then turn and abuse, but it is not an excuse or a justification.
I haven’t spoken out against 50 Shades and i realized many accept my silence as acceptance. I shared this blog post and challenged my friends to donate to a women’s shelter and not this movie. Please thank your husband for his work and thank you for making me realize i dont want to sit quietly by.
Erin,
I hope rather than confrontation, this post offered you a way to present an alternative. We don’t need to argue our way into grace, we can offer a better way. #WeCanDoBetter
We live in one of Providence’s homes where we love and serve our community. Thank you and thank you to your husband for the great work he does. I want better for my kids than what this movies gives. #WeCanDoBetter
Emily, Thank you for what you do. Loving your children in the throes of this community. Modeling a family to the residents and service to your kids. You are doing better.
I’ve read all of the books and while I respect what you & your husband do I can also tell you that the relationship between the two main characters is not a domestic violence one. I myself have been a victim of domestic violence. Every individual in this authors book was a consenting adult. Christian Grey was young when he had his first “relationship” but that doesn’t seem to be the one your making your points on. I have 5 children of my own and I do commend your husband for his work but feel that this article is just another in a long list of those that are trying to get attention from the movie. Riding on skirt tails is what I would call it but hey whatever works. Right?
Tara,
Thanks for your comment. You come from both life experience and first hand knowledge of the book, so your voice matters in the discussion. I also “comment” here on larger discussions when I feel I have something unique to add to the conversation. I felt this movement #50DollarsNot50Shades presented a third way to engage with this discussion and I wanted to highlight it to my readers who probably weren’t hearing about it on their own. I want to do my small part to help move the conversation from one of anger to one of action on an issue dear to my heart.
Alex – you can be counted on to approach delicate subjects in a measured, thoughtful manner, and this one is no different. I love the way you succinctly discuss why this book is unhealthy, both for us as women, and for our children. One comment on my Facebook page was from a healthcare provider who said she has taken too many histories on women who, for years, “tried to justify evil to be accepted, with PTSD scars to show for their tolerance.” The violence associated, ESPECIALLY in combination with sex, is a recipe for mental and emotional trauma. Thank you for this post. I can’t think of a better expert to talk on this subject than Derek, also!
Thank you. I think it is important enough to have the discussion of what is “healthy”. Not in a judgment kind of way, but simply looking at what is best for us as a people and best for our children. We can do better than this movie (and so many other things too). We can.